August 5: Grumpy Old Reyapot

I ‘m feeling grumpy today. Come to think of it, for the last week or two, my temper has been very unpredictable and my patience surely is getting shorter each day. At first I thought the extreme mood swings were just because it’s the time of the month, so it is just probably caused by hormonal imbalance. But my menstruation period for this month has already ended, and still the grumpiness and unstable emotions continues to eat me!

I am starting to worry. I am also trying to figure out the cause of this new level of grumpiness and emotional volatility I am going through. Sign of old age perhaps? Geez… Next month is the start of the “ber” months – September, October, November, December. Here in the Philippines, the first “ber” month, September, is already the start of the Christmas season. You can already feel the cool breeze and there are some Filipinos already putting up Christmas decors. After the “ber” months, come my birthday. It is going to be my 33rd birthday. Oh dear… I can’t believe I am already 33 years old. And as I try to examine my life for the last 33 years, I admit that I felt a little melancholy. If I am to describe my life today, and in this state of grumpiness and volatile emotions, I would say that I am alone and lonely. Please don’t get me wrong, I am thankful really, for my life, for the opportunity to live, for the blessings, and for my family & friends. But there is still something missing, I can feel it.

When I was in college, I never aimed for a slot in the Dean’s List. My goal that time is to finish my studies, get a nice job with high salary, have a boyfriend, get married and have my own family. Thank God I was able to finish college; I was more blessed to be given an opportunity to enroll myself to the graduate school and earn a few MBA units. I was also blessed with a job (although the salary is not that high, hehe..); I had a couple of romantic relationships during my lifetime, but it is quite unfortunate that none of them would walk with me towards the last mile of my plans and share the future with me. Back in college, I never thought that at the age of 33, I will be alone and lonely.

I suddenly feel unlucky. I am now having a flash back of the things that are making me feel unlucky. One thing I can think of now is my two old friends; both of them are very dear and special to me, and are now miles away from me. I truly miss them so much. They are the ones that kept me strong especially in times when I feel like giving up; they made me feel special especially in times when I feel so low.

She has been very patient with me; she understands me and supports me. She was there for me during my darkest and lowest hours. She loves me more than a friend. She is the sister I never had.

He makes me feel special. He never fails to put a smile on my face; and happiness in my heart. He makes me feel I am loved; a unique kind of love. He loves me more than a friend and recognizes me as his own.

It is sad to know that not all things in life are your allies. There are things that we cannot control (for it is beyond our abilities); and these sometimes bring grief and heartaches.

The grumpiness is just a façade I guess. I was trying to fight back the tears… of loneliness and longing. The loneliness that can’t be satiated by keeping myself busy and occupied. The longing that can’t be quenched by reminiscing precious moments once shared with special and dear people.

Photo credits: montrealradioguy.wordpress.com/2007/11/ ; agentgenius.com/.../